I think they gave me paper instead of Jesus at mass tonight.

Ok...

I swore to myself I'd never be one of those people who had and maintained a blog, but then again, I also swore to not have sex until I was married... and not drink before the age of twenty-one. So, there you go. Some might call me a hypocrite, but I call myself an adult. Because that's what being an adult is all about. Doing the things you swore you'd never do and enjoying it. That being said, I'm never getting a minivan. NEVER.

But I think a blog will be good for me, because: a) everything I say is fascinating b) I love to write 3) I love to commit acts of word vomit and f) this way, I'm not bothering anyone or wasting my cell phone minutes. Plus, I think it'll be an easy way of keeping everyone who is interested (and everyone who is not interested) in my upcoming trip to Ireland. Since there's about a million people I've promised to keep updated, this is a nice cop out.

I've wanted to go to Ireland and write my whole life and now I am doing it. I chickened out a couple times in the past for some serious reasons, but now I am finally going. And I've soon discovered that there's nothing scarier than your dream staring you in the face. Okay, nothing other than fractions and calculating tips at nail salons. Up until a couple weeks ago, my biggest fear was failure, but I've recently learned that success is much scarier than failure because once you succeed at one thing, you have to come up with something else to do. For example, two years I decided to write and publish a book. And I did it. (www.mandyschomas.com) plug plug. Then I decided to apply to grad school for writing. And I did that. Then I decided to apply to an international writing program in Ireland with only twenty spots. And I did that, too. (Or I am about to) And because of that, I am very introspective. Very think-ery today and worry-ier. When I am thinking and or worrying too much, I go to church. That's what I did tonight. And it helped as it always did. But shortly after arriving home, I coughed up something funny. It looked and felt like a little piece of white, wet paper. Which leads me to my rational hypothesis: "I think they gave me paper instead of Jesus at mass tonight."



Going to mass tonight reminded me of how much I love being Catholic. LOVE. I'm not going to get on a soap box or anything. I hate people who preach. Maybe it's because I grew up in Wheaton... city of churches. No joke, it's in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the most churches per square mile, or capita or whatever. And my boyfriend in middle school broke it off with me because "I wouldn't accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior." (I've taken several religious studies classes and asked several bible bangers and I still don't get this statement.)

So, I've decided for my first posting I'd like to pay tribute to the Catholic faith. And why it's the best. ( I know, I know. They're are many problems)

1. Its stubbornness. I love how it refuses to change in its beliefs. The Catholic church is like the old, crabby guy at family parties who waxes eloquently about the "good ol days" when popcorn cost only five cents and women knew how to use a crock pot. (WTF is a crockpot? No crap.) Fortunately for the Catholic faith, there's old-young people ready to carry on traditions. The ones that play the guitar at the contemporary mass (poorly) to continue on the traditions of old crabby smelly man (the priest?)

2. Dogma. I love the ritual. I love how I am sitting through the same mass my father did, and his father did, and his father did... when they went to mass and weren't passed out at a bar or playing golf.

3. Whisper singing. You know what I am talking about. People singing quieter than they Irish whisper, embarrased by hearing themselves sing the songs they know by heart. Because you guessed it, its the same songs every week.

4. The passive aggressive greeting of late comers. If you know me, you know I love being on time. I don't like being late, and I don't think it's fair to treat chronic latecomers equally. You have kids. Big deal. Get your shit together. My mom had eight kids and she was EARLY to mass every week. To the point that it was annoying, but because of her, I get to mass ten minutes early and read the bulletin and think of what I will wear the next day... and pray, of course. And I sit on the aisle in case there's a big tragedy and I can leave early and plus, I am a control freak. I like being on the end. It gives me power.

My favorite way to greet latecomers goes like this:
token lame usher guy (sometimes still in scrubs from the hospital to show how committed he is to both of his jobs) "Can you scoot in please?"
Me: not responding as I am in deep prayer and listening real good to the SECOND reading (see? late) I just nod.
Then the people come, sometimes a girl and her boyfriend, which makes me bitter because I am alone. Or a family of cute people with kids... but I stay strong.

Here's the passive aggressive power struggle at work: instead of stepping up and out into the aisle, I either scoot on my butt sideways so they have to move around me, or I stand sideways. This is better when the kneeler is still down.

5. The judgement. I love to judge people, especially based upon their appearances. And not always poorly. I like to look at people and smile and calculate their lives in my mind. I love making up stories about people, finding it interesting what they find appropriate to wear to mass. I used to love scoping out guys, but now I am taken and no longer interested. So instead, I judge mostly high school girls who think it's okay to wear tube tops to God's potluck. In case you're wondering how this is better in a Catholic mass, it's because of two reasons : the priest and nuns are great fodder... for wondering what they're lives are like outside of church (do they watch American Idol? And the Real World/Road Rules challenge?) Plus, the Catholic Church itself is RIFE with judgement, it's not lassez-faire like Lutherans and Episcopalians where you can get away with murder and tube tops.

Well, I think I've word-vomited enough for one day. And the Sox are doing something extraordinary now. Which reminds me of how much I love the White Sox. Maybe I will write about that tomorrow.