Shattered Childhood.

Finding out the truth about Santa Claus when I was twelve was one thing... but discovering that Screech made a sex tape?

God help us.

God help us all.

http://www.tmz.com/2006/09/27/screech-sex-tape-preview/

We're the smarterest!

Now, I know this is a bit like when my high school, Wheaton South would be playing Wheaton North and we'd be crushing them... so North would start chanting "ACT! ACT!" because they had higher ACT scores and thought it would be a way of competing with our better athletics... and obviously, no one really cared about intelligence, but here it is anyways...
(yes, I am aware that that was some awful English)



Graduation rates of the Top 25 football players:

1. Ohio State
55
2. Auburn
63
3. Southern Cal
55
4. West Virginia
60
5. Florida
45
6. Michigan
71
7. Texas
40
8. Louisville
53
9. LSU
49
10. Georgia
41
11. Virginia Tech
74
12. Notre Dame
95
13. Iowa
64
14. Oregon
59
15. Tennessee
58
16. Oklahoma
52
17. Texas Christian
78
18. Clemson
77
19. Florida State
52
20. California
44
21. Nebraska
88
22. Boise State
65
23. Rutgers
58
24. Georgia Tech
55
25. Missouri
53

Schedules

Here is a comparison of ND's "weak" schedule and the other teams who are ranked higher than them who evidently play really hard teams:

ND's schedule:

Sat 09/02/06 Georgia Tech
Sat 09/09/06 Penn State
Sat09/16/06 Michigan
Sat 09/23/06 Michigan State
Sat 09/30/06 Purdue
Sat 10/07/06 Stanford
Sat 10/21/06 UCLA
Sat 10/28/06 Navy
Sat 11/04/06 North Carolina
Sat 11/11/06 Air Force
Sat 11/18/06 Army
Sat 11/25/06 USC

Michigan Schedule:

September 2 Vanderbilt
September 9 Central Michigan
September 16 at Notre Dame
September 23 Wisconsin
September 30 Minnesota
October 7 Michigan State
October 14 at Penn State
October 21 Iowa
October 28 Northwestern (HC)
November 4 Ball State
November 11 at Indiana
November 18 at Ohio State

Central Michigan? Wow. That's where all the cockhead football players from my high school went.
Ball State? BALL state? Who knew they even had a football team?
Northwestern? They let their players drop dead at practice and then sue eachother.
VANDERBILT? I'm pretty sure they've lost more games than they've won in the entire history of their program. My friend was a cheerleader there and she said people dress up for the games and sip cocktails and don't even watch the game... this includes the players.

And they don't play USC.

Michigan State's schedule:

Sat 09/02/06 Idaho
Sat 09/09/06 Eastern Michigan
Sat 09/16/06 Pittsburgh
09/23/06 Notre Dame
Sat 09/30/06 Illinois (Homecoming)
Sat 10/07/06
Sat 10/14/06 Ohio State
Sat10/21/06 Northwestern
Sat 10/28/06 Indiana
Sat 11/04/06 Purdue
Sat 11/11/06 Minnesota
Sat11/18/06 Penn State

Seriously... how do they decide which shitty team to play for homecoming as to assure a win? Why not play all of them at the same time? It still would'nt be as hyped a game as USC... good thing they're not playing them!

USC Schedule:

Sat09/02/06 Arkansas
09/16/06 Nebraska
09/23/06 Arizona
09/30/06 Washington State
10/07/06 Washington
10/14/06 Arizona State
10/28/06 Oregon State
11/04/06 Stanford
11/11/06 Oregon (Homecoming)
11/18/06California
11/25/06 Notre Dame
12/02/06 UCLA

I could go on and on. But I am spent.

ND Haters Beware...

Below are excerpts from the constant emails that serve as a forum for our family emails about ND. Enjoy. Unless you're one of those pathetic people who thinks ND is overrated and has an
"easy schedule." Actually, read it anyway, hosers!

I had a piece of shit day on saturday, worked about 14 hours. Came home. Turned the game on. Saw Quinn throw a 3rd down pass into the ground. Saw MSU march down the field in like 4 plays. Put a movie on. "Inside Man" with Denzel Washington. Not a bad movie. I simply could not physically take it. I could not watch the game any more than I could watch a loved one jump out of an aircraft and as their parachute doesn't open.

That's my review of the ND game. Denzel gave a good performance and its the only Spike Lee movie I've ever seen that I actually liked. Maybe its just because it beat the alternative at the time...or so I thought.

I'm not proud of being a chicken shit. It was just too painful. I wanted to be able to sleep on Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nights. I thought it would be easier to sleep with the guilt than the visions of that Douchigan State running back putting his knee through Zibby's chest. Nonetheless, I have a few observations. Obviously, I've calmed down (a little) and seen/read about the game/season.

#1: BQ will not win the Heisman. New goal for BQ: Be invited to the Heisman ceramony. It would be a huge honor and he would shine and represent the University with class and complete sentences. What a recruiting tool and what an end to a great ND career.

#2: Don't let anybody tell you that an ND loss would cost the university $15million. Its not true. The media need to get their shit in order. We do NOT get $15million for a BCS berth. We get, essentially, a conference share now...something like $4-5 million. Of course, its way better for the media to sensationalize the drama of our "collapse" if they can spin it like we are motivated by greed and BQ should play every game to get the university $15million. It' simply not true. How fucking lazy are these guys that they call themselves "journalists". Give me a break.

#3: We need to win out to have a chance at a BCS game. If we finish Top 8 we are guaranteed a bid and top 12 to be eligible for an at large, assuming that there is an at large available. Before USC, we do not play anybody that will allow a victory to impress the voters/pollsters and our strength of schedule will drop. Nobody will give a shit if we mop up on Purdue, UCLA, etc...Currently our strength of schedule is #1 per the Sagarin/BCS formula. This will drop like a rock. Likely, the BCS formula will not be kind to us. Likely a loss to USC would make us 10-2 and out of the BCS top 12. At that point, I think we just need to do the math to see that its off to the Gator Bowl.

#4: Weis is a Notre Dame man. He does not want ND to win. He NEEDS ND to win the way we all need air to breath. He will not stop until he has brought ND all the way back. (2009 I say.) He will replace coaches as needed. He is recruiting like a mad-man. Despite the loss to Michigan, we landed the top DB recruit in the country. Plus, the big-time receiver (Benn) "Reggie Bush" type guy in the class has apparently told Weis he is coming. According to Lemming, ND and USC should have the top two classes. Watching his swollen eyes after the game, holding the game ball for Ara, sending the players over to sing with the band...awesome! He's not perfect. Our team has been inconsistent and heavily penalized. Too much pressure? Too much "the beatings will continue until morale improves" mentality from Weis? Too tough of an early schedule? To much inexperience at key positions? (We have played 14 true freshman, I'm told. I wonder how many USC has played? Zero I'm guessing.) Who knows.

#5: Painful as it is, I believe that USC is still at the top of the college football world. They are ridiculously loaded with talent and they seem to have not missed a beat.

#6: If we cannot run the ball, we cannot win out.

#7: If our defense does not improve, we cannot win out. (We need to watch out for Purdue and Air Force!)

#8: There are too many fucking media whores that suck. Join me in not reading, watching, or paying any attention to the giant suckass bullshit machine. There are too many hairpulling, aggitating turds that are misinformed, heavily biased, immature "journalists". Who fucking cares what they say? I have found that it actually increases my enjoyment to stay away from ESPN.com and sportscenter and gameday and the like. Try it. I think you will see that these fuckers suck and we don't need them to piss us off and ruin our fun and perspective of what ND football is. (by the way, how the FUCK dose Musburger stay employed. He SUCKS!) Honestly, I swear, I am done with ABC, CBS, ESPN, ESPN.com...its bullshit.

#9: We need a bowl win. Any bowl. Any day. Any opponent. Any setting. But my fantasy? 11-1 after a classic game with USC and meeting Michigan in the Rose bowl. (OSU barely beats Michigan. OSU plays for NC. Michigan goes to Rose and we get in as at large.)
******************
Yes: Iowa barely beat a useless, hapless Syracuse team in Overtime. Texas looked equally as bad against OSU as we looked against Michigan. West Virginia (PLEASE) looked like crap against some Double Directional Dental school last week
***************************
How about the freaking double standard of Georgia-Colorado...Georgia, 9th ranked team in the country, needs a last minute play to beat "0-3, we lost to a 1-AA team" Colorado...AT HOME!!! What happens to their ranking...what happens to ours?? If I'm not mistaken, our Farley Hall powderpuff team could've beat the Buffs blitzing "double-bozo" all night long!! Whatever...
*****************
1. Brady needs to see a sports psychologist. He has so much talent but it really seems like he thinks too much. GET IT DONE BRADY. When he's on, he's really on!... Forget about the past, forget about the heisman, forget about a national championship. Win the game! 2. We still don't have a running game. 3. Poor Zibby. He is such a freakin stud, but he keeps getting the short end of the stick. Yes, he made a key fumble at the beginning of the game but seriously, his key interception was called back and his punt return for a TD was called back. It always happens to him!! 4. Jackass Mark May, "Michigan State blew the game, they found a way to lose." Shut up asshole. First of all, if it wasn't for ND's first half mistakes, it never would have come down to the 4th quarter. ND was making up for their own mistakes from the first half... A team with a lot of momentum and strength causes opponents to screw up. ND had a lot of momentum in the 2nd half and made Michigan state screw up. But did they screw up? hmm... michigan state didn't fumble, Ndukewa ripped the effing ball out of his hands!!! Plus, their QB was held to something like 4 receptions in the 2nd half...ND's defense was on fire in the 2nd half! 5. ND must hit on all cylinders this weekend to beat Purdue. Purdue is undefeated. Yes, they beat sisters of the poor, the brothers of nomadland, and Minnesota, but, they don't know what it's like to lose...yet. 6. Again, our receivers are unbelievable. Carlson, nuff said. Smarj, nuff said, McKnight, nuff said. 7. WEIS IS NOT WILLINGHAM!!! oh my freakin god! Don't ever compare Weis to Willingham again you stupid sons of bitches!!
***************
yes. there are good/decent ones, but most suck. and its more than that. its the hair pulling, nipple twisting that is irritating.

Example, last night I turned on sportscenter for 15 minutes. In between baseball highlights...baseball highlights! was the following teaser [weis on the sidelines of msu game...lambert returning interception for touchdown...voice over "tune into espn.com to read why Notre Dame has no chance to win the national champsionship."

Are you kidding me? What is that? no fucking shit asshole. a shitload of teams have no fucking chance to win the national championship. So, here I am, purposely trying to avoid the irritation and bullshit and its everywhere. Oh well, I'll keep trying and trying.

Many Harris Poll voters, which is used for the BCS, despite our strength of schedule, have us ranked 20 or lower! 20 or lower! So, lets reward teams that schedule McNeese State, Nichols state, Eastern Western Washington. This is where the bias comes into play and can actually hurt us. Never mind pissing us off, it affects bowl opportunities at the end of the year. Nonetheless, win out and its BCS bound, no matter what.
******************

Here it is Ladies and Gentleman...The next installment of the Notre Dame Football Highlights (I generally stay away from the "low lights") It was actually a little difficult to put this one together. Not a lot of highlights the first half, everything pretty much happened in the 4th quarter. Enjoy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlHzjbIR6Rw

The People Who Live Downstairs

are horrible excuses of humanity.
Please read the following letter that I slid under their door.
After reading it, probably drunk and on drugs, the two girls came up to our party on Saturday and wanted to be our new best friends. Sadly, though, I am not friends with weirdoes. Ok, I am, but not druggie ones.

And yes, this is, word for word, the actual letter I sent:


P.S. GO IRISH!

***********************

Dearest Neighbors of D1,

It’s come to our attention that you may not be aware of how loud you play your music into the wee hours of the morning. We’re banking on the fact that you’re not inconsiderate, but are just unaware.

This hole we call home has walls and ceilings pretty much made from cardboard, we think, and the layouts of all the upper floors are the same. This means that up to three floors above you, we can hear the music… in our BEDROOMS. It’s loud. So loud we could, if we didn’t have to get up at five in the morning for jobs, sing along to C&C Music Factory. Or dance along to it, along with the glasses that are vibrating on our walls.

We can’t speak for the people who live on the first floor, but us above you, we’ve gone so far as to purchase earplugs and fans. We’ve even spent the night at friends’ places to try to sleep. At first, we thought separately we were just being sensitive, but after discussing it, we know we’re only being mildly so. Now, I think some noise and music and parties on the weekend are expected. Most of us are young and social. That’s life in the big city, after all. In the past few years we’ve all enjoyed inviting each other to parties, or at least warning people of the mayhem that was to ensue. Usually it’s loud until about 1 am or so, until people move onto bars.

We were willing to overlook the screaming and smoking people outside our interior windows, the drunk people accidentally buzzing our door to be let in during one of your parties at 4 am, and someone throwing a can of beer at our window and scaring the holy hell out of us. But I think it’s fair to say that we shouldn’t be kept up by LOUD music LATE at night during the week. Please feel free to knock on any of our doors on the west side of the building if you think we’re exaggerating to hear how loud the music is in our bedrooms.

We were hoping you’d consider doing some of the following: A) being a bit more considerate and remembering that our P.O.S. apartment building is made of paper, B) simply MOVING your stereo so that it isn’t aligned with EVERY bedroom on one side of the building. (This sounds weak. But it’s worked in the past to move the loudness so that it’s blaring through the living rooms of the upper apartments rather than the bedrooms. The music is probably not even THAT loud to you, but it’s just where it’s coming from that’s the problem) C.) When you do have people over to 5 am please find something more to do than scream along to “Crazy” by Gnarles Barkley. That was a great performance but three of us got ONE hour of sleep that night as a result.

Hopefully, this letter was informative and entertaining and not at all threatening. Okay, maybe mildly threatening. Hopefully you won’t have to get anymore of them. We really don’t want to have to call and complain to ICM for breach of leasing contract. (There is a clause that you signed for not having more than say, 5 people in the “courtyard/alley” area in the back and not having large groups of people on decks.) That would be LAME. We also don’t want to resort to calling the police. We don’t want to do any of this, but we’ll have to if, in the future, we’re so sleep deprived we can’t think of anything else to do.

Best,


All the people who live above you.

Return to My Homeland

Over the summer, I chronicled my journey to my people's homeland of Ireland. And it was blimey and bloody fantastic. I also thought I'd be done with my blog after purging all my creative juices.

But alas, this past weekend I returned to my other people's homeland. Not Poland. Something far more majestic, but with the same amount of mismatching plaid and bad hair. That's right. This weekend I returned to South Bend, Indiana. I laughed, I cried, I vomited. And it was beautiful.

Our "family friend" and Penn State alum Jaime came in from Pennsylvania for the game. Friday we enjoyed the finest of Chicago weather. And I am not being facetious. It was close to 90 degrees so we hit the beach, did some shopping... and made some seagull friends along the way.

Friday night I introduced Jaime to my lover and we went to dinner then off to AMA's birthday party. I tried my hardest to get buzzed, but it just wasn't working. You know those kind of nights. So after 4 tame vodka lemonades, I gave up and we went home... to go to bed... or so that was the plan.

But the college kids below us were having a party. And it was loud with about 80 people in our sorry excuse for an inner courtyard and music blarring. At first, I was able to sleep... for about an hour. Then at 2, the music was still blarring. To the point that the glasses our shelves were vibrating and making noise. No joke. So Jaime and I got really fired up and at about 3:30 called 911 to complain. The dispatch was really nice, and I swear I am not a dork. But seriously... it ended up being loud music until 4 am... when we had to be up at 5 am for the tailgater for Pete's sake. At about 3:30 Jaime and I even took a stroll around the block to get my claritan out of my car. So for about an hour, Jaime and I sat prostrate in front of my window vigiliantly staking out the police. They came and the pieces of crap down below us turned the music down. But it was no use. I couldn't fall back to sleep.

At about 5:15 Kelly awoke from her Rip Van Winkle-like slumber. She's a heavy sleeper and one lucky bastard usually, but she was sick and had some EXTRA help from some medication. LUCKY! And we began the morning by drinking some diet coke because we had coffee but no creamer.... NOOOOOO! An hour later, we headed down Lill to Halsted, blarring the fight song and loving life. At Halsted we discovered some stupid diversity fair that was setting up. With a ciggie in hand in the wee hours Kelly exclaimed "I hate diversity!" and we all did at that moment because diversity was an adversity and we had to snake onto Lake Shore Drive via Diversey, which was a pain in the non p.c. arse.

On our way, we passed the beautiful Comiskey Park, which I refuse to refer to as US Cellular and never will. We made great time, chatting with the fam along the way who had already been up for hours with the anxiety of children on Christmas morning. For the love of tradition, we stopped at the Knute Rockne Memorial Rest stop and downed some Red Bull. We arrived into South Bend at about 9, ten eastern time... what's with South Bend selling out and going east coast? RIP. I poured some Red Bull out for the aborted fetuses memoralized in a plaque near a local Catholic high school and Kelly cut a Penn State van off. It was as God would've intended.

The tailgate was a masterpiece, a Mona Lisa, if you will but without the creepy woman smiling at her own escape of gas. There were two tents, thankfully, because the sun was HOOOOOT! TTT did it up right with some Fire and Ice... a contraption that includes both a cooler and a grill. HOT DOG! literally and burgers and Polish Sausage! As usual, I took alot of pictures and drank alot of beer. I forgot to play bags. SONOFA. IT was a loooong day, especially with only an hour of sleep in me. The game didn't start until 3:30 and I wasn't sure if I would make it to the Backer.

But we prevailed. Jaime, Kelly, and I headed to the Backer and scored some sweet seats. We remeinscienced about the cheapness of beer and the townie bartenders who used chip clips to clip their hair back. I befriended a black man who smoked a stogie who told me to keep my comments to myself... that is until I told him that "I say what I want, when I want." Then he said something like, "You all right. What are you drinkin?" Jaime also made some friends... some creepy Penn State fans who ended up stealing liquor from the bar. We're all so classy, aren't we?



Needless to say, the game was neato. At first we were scared, but I soon found myself doing a jig at halftime and telling people to go f themselves. It was also as God would've intended.

After the game, we returned to the tailgate to eat all the leftover food and talk about how awesome we are. (Jaime felt left out but glad she didn't spent 300 dollars on a ticket) We headed back to Kelly's car to start our journey home only to have to get a call from Douchore that said, "hey, can you give me a ride back to Chicago? and a place to stay? and a ride back to the airport?" as if we hadn't just spent the entire day together and couldn't have discussed this earlier. But he's family, so we returned only to sit in traffic for literarlly an hour before going to the gas station.

On the way to the gas station while stuck in traffic, some random townie knocked on Kelly's window and told her that her rear license plate was out and she could get a ticket in Indiana for it. "WOW... CARL! GOOD TO SEE YOU!" And he even had the gall later to make Kelly move up at the gas station after she started pumping gas so he could fit. Who IS this guy?

After a long, long drive home Kelly proceeded in trying to find a place to park... the diversity fair was still going on, and at this point in the night, we hated everyone... all people. Seconds later, I had kelly call my phone to find it in the bottom of the car someplace, rolling around... only to have someone in South Bend pick it up to inform me I left my cell phone there... at the Marathon Gas Station in South Bend. Are you kidding me?

I cried alot.